• Endria Richardson

damn

I was reading this NY Times article on the benefits of Staying just to Stay. its actually not at all about that, as i look it over. i think this is the only line that mentions it: A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage.

Well, that line made a big impact, so props to you line.

Is that what so many of us are doin with our lives? stayin cus we want the gold medal at the end? i mean i dont want to make assumptions about everyone else, but sometimes i feel like im just in it to win it. and then…hold up – whats the prize????? I hear a lot of people talking about “yeah he was really unhappy here, but he managed to stay” like its automatically a good thing. it can be a good thing, if what he wanted was to stay – but what if what he really wanted was to leave. or to do smoething else. and i know, i still dont know how to really deal with this issue of whether you do what you want with your life, or you balance that shit with what’s good for everyone else too (like, if what i reeeaally wanted in life was to make a milli and then quit, is that really so awesome? i dunno. im not gonna outright say no..but im not gonna say yes either.)

so im having a battle with myself. i know im capable of doing work and gettin value out of doing it even when i really dont want to be doing it. but the flip side of that coin we usually dont look at is whether youre missing out on learning something new about yourself when you just keep on going even though youve got doubts. i know this is hitting some knees because like myself, most of you all prob have a lot riding on making sure you dont let yourself feel those doubts (and some of yall arent feeling any doubts cus youre heartless. just kidding. youre soulless. ha, just kidding again. im sure theres a lot going on underneath and i just cant see it). so do i eat shit and die, aka, go all in and semi-enjoy myself this quarter at the cost of pushing aside the real questions (do i want to be here? what am i gonna do when i grad? where do we come from? what are we? where are we going? thats right. im picking some apples from the gauguin tree)? or do i keep askin them even though its an inopportune time and an inopportune place (and an inopportune $70,000/yr).

so i feel like im on an edge here. its like faking the o. you can do it to make your partner happy and avoid an uncomfortable conversation about how the sex just isnt working..but dont think there arent consequences. blue balls are not a joke. and further, youre never going to figure out what really gets you off. and do you really want to be livin life not knowing what gets you off? truly and genuinely, that damn it feels good to be a gangsta feeling. not that “well, i know im supposed to be doing this so i guess i enjoy it” feeling. i mean, shit, maybe its just me who feels lukewarm about what im doing and you guys are all having hot flashes about prosser . jokes on me in that case.

we all know if weve gotten this far were capable of makin ourselves do shit we really dont want to do. and we can make ourselves enjoy doin those things too and we get some value out it. but, just like when youre in a marriage to make it work, sometimes we gotta ask ourselves the hard questions. what are we making work? i know i know, we were all those kids in that experiment who opted for 2 marshmallows later instead of 1 marshmallow now but i hate to break it to you. life isnt marshmallows.

what im saying is i think there’s a lot of social pressure to question to a certain point, but after that point you have to “make the best of situation”. theres this premium placed on being superficially happy and satisfied with what you’re doing right now, as though we’re living this split life of being present-oriented while we wait for our future returns. like not only do we have to choose 2 marshmallows later, but we have to make the most of the fact that we don’t have any motherfucking marshmallows now. like, shit, im gonna lose some weight! because if you’re not happy in the moment, its like this moral weakness.

but what if making the best of the situation means you never ask the hard questions. sometimes thats true for me. i hope its not true for you.

man i have such deep thoughts

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