don’t be cocky!
this was originally tagged on to the other post, but i think it deserves its own. maybe i’ll flesh it out more later.
Etc love is so much more important than anythin else. and you know what, no one ever said that just because something is corny as hell doesnt mean its not true. im having a really hard time thinkin about ambition and how bein ambitious means you sometimes just gotta think you’re better than everyone else, and how cocky people can be, and how i know ive been just as ambitious as everyone here and still am or id be dropping like a rock, but i know my tolerance of blind unquestioned ambition is getting so low. its so toxic.
i was thinking this today while i was running up at these foothills near school. its the middle of january, and its sunny and almost 70 degrees out. i cant remember recently enjoying a beautiful day as much as i did today. maybe it’s that mind/body memory thing, maybe it’s that “dont try to experience everything through your mind” thing. i dunno. but i was running, and i haven’t been running in a while, probably since winter break (because i finally discovered anaerobic exercise, and now my lungs think they’ve got permanent vacation time on lock) and i was feeling this really powerful, really positive body-memory of running a 10k last semester, and feeling the sun and really enjoying it and thinking about how this is the happiest i’ve been in years in all the important ways, and in other ways how miserable i am (ie, trying to figure out how to either make enough money to pay off my loans so i can quit, or how to make law school a positive experience).
anyways, i was running and thinking these thoughts and thinking about how much my mental state has changed in the last month or so, and how some things that really used to scare me dont anymore and i feel so much freer than i used to. and i was even thinking about life and death and how death doesnt scare me, and i was running in these foothills, like i said, where mountain lions are rumored to roam*, and i come up the top of this hill and see this thing in the distance that looks pretty animal-like, but its not a ground squirrel or a eagle, and i really thought it was a mountain lion! it was pretty decent sized and tawny colored, and I was like…I’m ok with seeing a mountain lion. i feel so full of life i could stare it down, i could just gaze into its soul and it would feel me and my calm dominance, and i would have mastered death. but of course, i’m actually like, 90% sure that it’s a stump. and then i run like 5 more paces and there’s a sudden switch because at this point, i look around and all the other joggers are nowhere to be seen. and suddenly i am like 10% sure its a bear and 90% sure it is at least a mountain lion or maybe even a regular lion, because i definitely saw its head move and its bigger than a coyote. so then i stopped real fast and started looking around for someone to distract its appetite while i gazed into its soul. i mean…its not that i wasn’t afraid to die, i just dont want citi bank losing its number one customer.
but seriously, in that moment when i believed i was alone in the hills with a mountain lion, i freaked out. i literally started lookin for other people not so i could warn them, but so the mountain lion could eat them first. mean, i started walking towards it again but by that time another lady had come over the top of the hill and i was 78% sure it was just a deer, which it was. it was actually about 5 really beautiful deer. it was really nice, actually. i stared at them for a while, and i like to think one of them was staring/gazing back (it might have just been tharn though. you know how deers do).
moral of the story is, dont be cocky.
*by rumored, i mean legitimately sighted and reported