it’ll come up by itself
I have a lot of things to say and not a lot of time to say it in (fuck you 3 assignments due on Monday, didnt anyone get the memo about my birthday being this week and so they should pause on law school?? i couldve sworn i sent that intra-office…). Ive had quite a few epiphanies lately about the limitations of our minds and focusin so much on knowing things through our minds/brains/knowledge (some people will like to differentiate between these things on some science or neurology type shit but i am not one of those people. i never said this blog was for accurate information) that you start bein super skeptical about the possibility of knowin or experiencing any other way. i know that happened to me. and it just leads to a totally imbalanced life. so how do you re-balance it? how do i? these are always the questions. i had at first envisioned this post as a series of vignettes but i have about 20 min before the homework police come back from their lunch break. this is quickie time.
Mind v Body but the point of this is that the other day (ok, the other month), I realized how much our understanding of the world an reality is so limited by the way our brains work and the limited ways we can take in information. like, if you could put on goggles that let your eyes have a a high flicker-fusion rate, like closer to a dogs (yeah yeah, i’m reading Inside of a Dog and she is dropping some knowledge. i recommend it to all of you. especially you law school people.) youd see the world super differently…youd see where someone’s hands gonna end up a split second faster than id see it. movies on film might look super dumb bc if its flicker rate is goin at the same as your eyes’, youd just be seeing (well, youd be aware that you were seeing) a bunch of still shots. but other than that life might not feel that different. baseball might not be as exciting cus youd be able to call everything. but whatever. but what if you got a pair of goggles that let you see atoms or molecules or whatever it is everything is made up of. so instead of seeing this desk as a desk, youd just see the change in density from the atoms in me to the atoms in the air to the atoms in the desk. shit would get craaaazy. itd probably change your perception of reality right. i know. this is so deep your mind is probably blown, but just stay with me for one more second.
all i am saying is that its a lot of faith to put in our minds/brain/sensory-based knowledge when its just such a limited way of lookin at the world and reality. its just one tiny way of understanding things. and we put so much faith in it, and we spend so much time and money and effort workin out our brains and tryin to understand so much with our brains…and sometimes at the cost of understanding and knowin through our bodies and our emotions and our other extrasensory stuff. i dunno what to call those things. but i know they’re there. i just think sometimes we (the people whove put so much faith into our brains) come out of this whole system lookin like some messed up body builders. we’ve got these big ass brawny veiny right arms cus we’ve been training that arm for years, and when we look in the mirror all we’re lookin at is that one arm, and it looks damn good. then one day, BLAMO, we step back and we’re like…oh fuck. cus what we have here is one big ass veiny arm and the rest of us is scrawny and brittle and broken. do you want to be that guy? do i? am i? uh oh
anyways, ive obviously been thinking about this stuff a lot, but i was thinking about it especially the other day cus ive had a cold for the past few days, and every time i get a cold that has chest/nose congestion without fail i go into this really pleasant twilight-y type state, where everythin feels super nostalgic and nice and i feel like i’m really feeling the world, like theres less of a memory barrier between me and everything else. by memory-barrier i mean like…when you walk outside on a sunny day, all at once you’re hit by a barrage of all the other times you’ve walked outside into a sunny day. so sometimes your ability to just experience that day gets totally blown away by all that data your minds going through about how sunny days have felt to you your whole life. yada yada. anyways, ive always wondered about this thing that happens when i get a cold…why i always feel so much more present. and i think i figure it out. its cus my sensory experience of the day is changed. i can’t smell things, i can’t hear things as well, i can’t taste. so im put in this different state because my senses are taking in information differently, but also because ‘m having this huge body memory whenever im sick. everyone knows at some level of sick, it’s like the coziest thing in the world cus someone takes care of you and you stay home from school, etc. and you can have mind memories of those things…images, words, etc. but body memory is different, is so much more present.
you dont think about body memory, you just feel it. its not a memory formed by words, it’s a memory of feeling. your body remembers it. its the same whenever i wake up super early. i dont’ mind-remember other instances of waking up early, maybe cus when its early, like when im sick, im way more sensitive to how my body’s feeling. but i totally body-remember early mornings. and its a different way of remembering. it feels like youre connected with the past in this really present way.
Doing v Not-Doing if you’ve gone through life making yourself do things you dont viscerally, genuinely want to do, in order to reap the payout later (TWO MARSHMALLOOOOOOWS!), just stopping is perhaps the most incredible thing you can do (or at least…cutting down or thinking twice about it). i always used to tell myself i was gonna be so thankful later, and that if i didnt make myself work hard now id never get to experience the pleasure of accomplishment (i see you amy chua), right, like if i dont run 3x a week runnings always gonna feel like shit, its never gonna get to that level where it feels good. i dont write every morning, ill never reach that level of blissed out writing that feels so good. and sometimes it did feel awesome. runnin feels awesome if you make yourself do it. so does writing. but you know what also feels awesome? letting yourself be and seeing shit about yourself just spring up out of nowhere, not forced. seeing where your rhythms, your balances, your beauty and your energy just naturally take you, without forcing it.
some things we can do and get better at only if we’re not forcing it ( i see you nina simone! “yall pushin it…yall pushin it…quit pushin’ it, just relax. it’ll come up by itself. dont put nothin on it les you feel it.”). right, i dont really have the words to explain this – and maybe i would have the words if id been more academic – but there are parts of us, the intuitive, the emotional, the spontaneous that just get obliterated if we try to force them. we just have to let them be, to grow, to develop on their own. so my point about bein academic right, is that once upon a time id be kicking myself for not having the words, cus i thought the only way to really understand shit was intellectually, and id kick myself because without my knowing it, everything in me was totally revolting against it.
and i dont know yet if im mad cus im here, in this place because i just didnt know myself well enough to know would make me so miserable, or if im mad cus i feel like this is a bigger problem. right. even if im not in law school, this is still a system that exists and gets us into so much trouble. peoples big muscle brains fightin it out, no hearts at all. 😦
also, though i am trying to walk that middle road, being a purposeful slacker in law school isn’t easy. i have so much “responsibility is god” ingrained in me that i can’t shake it as easily as i want to. its like one of those things where you know if you go to the gym, you’ll feel better, but you just can’t bring yourself to go to the gym – only reversed. its a motherfucker. excuse me while i go plan this conference i signed up to help organize. what the fuck?