• Endria Richardson

oh shit

im sitting here just trying to study up so i dont look a (total) fool tomorrow and i realize it’s happened. over this past week, a bunch of papers due and all that, and i just fell out. the weekend was hard, the week’s been harder, the real shit feels real far away suddenly.

how do you get back on track livin purposefully when all you’ve got is deadlines deadlines deadlines? and you’re worried you’re not givin anything your all? and worried about what people are going to think and what you’re going to regret the next day? and wondering if you’re enough of a person to keep yourself grounded all by yourself.

is it possible for one powell to do it on its own??

all semester i’ve been scared of getting into my school work because big fucking surprise, i like schoolwork. i like it but i dunno if it makes me happy. it makes me competitive, ambition-seeking and attention-seeking. i start to really dig the way professors respond to being smart, i start to really enjoy the feelin of being immersed in something, in getting a prof to like me. i start wanting to brag, wanting to hold onto accomplishments to prove that i mean something, that i’ve done something. so what’s the prob? i dunno. i can’t really articulate it but i know i dont really feel good when it starts. i dont feel that deep feeling of satisfaction. i start feelin like im being a jerk to other people. like im livin on the surface.

i know that’s not a prob with school though, that’s a prob with how i relate to school. i dunno how to change it though. ill keep you posted.

its a low night. jobs and homework and office hours and life and all. sheeeeeet.

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