• Endria Richardson

thoughts

Sometimes, when I feel like I’ve lost my grounding, these two parts of me start dueling. On the one hand there is this powerful feeling, this grasping, reaching feeling that if I could only just stop doing and let the quiet in – I’d get grounded again. This is the part I trust, the part that feels the most genuine when it happens. Then there’s the other part, that thinks – it thinks – you gotta keep thinking, keep doing, you’re just not working hard enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not creative enough to feel satisfied by doing so you just want to stop, because it’s easy.

I’ve been struggling about that last post. This tension between knowing and understanding, this longstanding tension between doing and not doing.

a friend sent me this faulkner quote in response: “He had a word, too. Love, he called it. But I had been used to words for a long time. I knew that that word was like the others: just a shape to fill a lack; that when the right time came, you wouldn’t need a word for that anymore than for pride or fear.”

How to live with tension. That there is a level that transcends verbalization, that transcends our rational minds, our intellects. But that it is not necessarily more important or more real than the level that needs words, needs intelligence, needs knowledge. That knowledge is powerful, it is awesome. But that intelligence is not equally available to all, like understanding, like intuition is.

How to live with this knowledge that there is a sense in which we are born knowin how to understand the world, just by bein in it, just by bein a part of it. That knows we don’t have to lift a finger on this earth to be a part of it, to be beautiful in it. To satisfy every part of our reason for being here we just have to be. Just breathe and be and let the broadness of the world pour in. That there are no words, there is no knowledge that can make this purpose more complete. There is nothing that can be said that will put shape to anything. There is no name that can deepen any meaning, that can bring any clarity. That perhaps the most glorious thing we can do is just take each breath with awareness and die knowin we know what existence is. That knowledge, that everythin we do is so small. It is so nothing. It does not even exist.

How to understand this, and know that we can also understand the world through knowledge, but that our abilities to do so are so different. That intelligence is so imbalanced.

Knowing that there is so much beyond my comprehension. That there is also knowledge, there is duty, there is doing. That there is a part that understands, a part that simply is – but that there is another part that can know. Maybe not a part, maybe it is a layer. There is another layer. A layer of being in the world, working in it, living in it, moving along a line. And along that line there is meaning, there is advancement. Maybe these are not layers, maybe they are perspectives.

There is the perspective from up high. The understanding that this line we walk, this race, is not anything. It is nothing. It disappears into oneness, into the broadness.

And then there is the perspective from everyday, on the line, where we cannot live as though the line is nothing because we cannot see it as nothing from where we are. From where we are, it is everything. To move forward, to do, to not just breathe but to work, to build, to help, to move. On this line, there is knowledge.

I fight against knowledge cus I’m not smart enough to understand its possibility. I know it’s power, but I intuitively feel more connected to that which is understood, and not known. But what is that intuition? Is it an intuition that would be changed if I could intellectually grasp something that I’m not capable of grasping? Do I trust this understanding because I don’t know better? Or do I simply trust it, and there is no rhyme or reason to trust.

But how do I trust my intuitive understanding of the world, to trust it even though I know I am not smart enough to understand it? How to continue trying to separate knowledge from understanding, intellect from being, doing from being? How to live on the line, knowing it is nothing? How to live above the line knowing it is everything? (ouch, ten points for those last 2 sentences)

Sometimes I think I don’t trust knowledge, trust intelligence because it’s just not equal. And I don’t trust that there can be levels of knowing the world that are more real than others? Nawmean? It’s getting so late, and this isn’t making any sense anymore (if it ever was). Done and done.

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